I’m 4 days into being in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso and in a state of confusion and disappointment. Not so much because of what I see around me, but because of what is going on inside me. I feel uncomfortable and I’m not sure it’s the right decision to be here for 3 months.
First trip to Burkina
Niek lived in Burkina Faso 5 years ago and I had come to visit for about 10 days. We’d spent a couple of days in Ouagadougou, catching up, horse riding and buying malaria pills; as my luggage had found its way to Abidjan, rather than to me.
After being reunited with my clothes we set off on an adventure around Boromo, Oury and Parade. Getting bum ache from the motorbike, drinking dolo with everyone, and being looked after so well. It was wonderful. I left Burkina Faso totally understanding why Niek had fallen in love with the place.
Back in Burkina
But now rather than being ecstatic about being back somewhere I’d loved, I am regularly having the feeling that I am somewhere I shouldn’t be. Why? What’s changed?
I’ve tried to convince myself it’s the malaria pills, the heat, the fact I have just said bye to my sister and her growing baby bump, anything really. But the feelings persist, and I know it isn’t just those things making me feel on edge. In truth I am finding it all tougher than I expected, and along with this realisation comes a great deal of self-judgement and disappointment.
Last time I’d arrived Niek already had it sorted, it was easy peasy for me. He had the base – a house, a scooter and friends that would put us up in the villages we visited. Now we have to do it all from scratch, and I guess I’ve underestimated how much time, effort and calling people it takes. But it should be fine, right? We are in no rush. We’re here for 3 months for exactly that reason.
So knowing this, why do I still experience a sinking, hopeless feeling whenever afternoon turns to evening? I start to have a sense of mild internal panic, what am I going to do this evening? How am I going to make the time pass until tomorrow? And it’s slowly dawning on me that I am wishing away my time in Burkina.
Decision time
Right, a decision has been made. It is time to take this conversation out of my head and have it with Niek. I am determined to be here, I know the amazing opportunities ahead of us. But I won’t be able to enjoy any of them if I keep counting down to our departure date.
I’ll be back in a few days, hopefully with some idea about what’s going on in my head.
Check out my second post to see if I’ve figured out what’s going on.
26 comments
It’s amazing isn’t it a place you think you loved and go back to just isn’t the same anymore. I tend to think its more us that have changed rather than the place. Maybe it’s too small for us now after travelling, or maybe it just doesn’t feel right. Whatever the reason it’s a learning and growing experience so try to enjoy the moment.
Brilliant advice Faith. I am pretty sure it’s me that has changed, rather than Burkina. My husband lived here for a year before and he said it’s exactly the same and feels like coming home. As you suggest I am going to throw myself right into life here and try and enjoy it, rather than staying preoccupied with it not feeling perfectly right straight away.
It is so refreshing to read such honesty. Travel is not always sunshine and coconuts – it’s tough. But it makes you stronger and it is an opportunity to be selfish, you can change plans and do what’s right for you.
Thanks for the support Lauren! You’re right, it’s not always easy, but I think people often feel guilty/like failures if they’re having a tough time and therefore don’t always share it. For now I’m going to give myself a little more time before deciding if it’s working out or not.
Argh, that’s a terrible feeling to be dealing with. it’s hard to come back to a place you’ve truly enjoyed visiting and find your feelings towards it have completely changed. I hope things do a 180 for you and Burkina starts feeling like the right place to be for now.
Thank you LC! Yeah I guess I feel extra annoyed with myself because I seemed to settle in so quickly and easily last time. Niek has reminded me that the first weeks I spent in Mexico I didn’t feel settled. And now I think about it I didn’t feel that comfortable in Shanghai for the first 7ish months.
I know absolutely nothing about Burkina Faso, and I’m sorry to hear that you are having doubts about being there. I hope that you find a way to make it work for the time being. Good luck!
I really didn’t know much either but it is an amazing country, there is something incredibly special about it. I’m worried this post makes Burkina Faso seem like a bad place to visit. It’s definitely not, it’s so interesting. I just need to find a rhythm here and I’m struggling to do that. I think I am slowly realising that I might be experiencing post China culture shock. I’m used to the massive bustling Shanghai, where there is always a new bar or restaurant to visit, and here I need to occupy myself a bit more. Something I’m finding out I’m not very good at.
Burkina Faso isn’t somewhere I hear much about at all so I’m interested to see what happens and learn more about your experiences.
Hey Hannah. No I guess Burkina Faso doesn’t get much publicity but it is an incredibly interesting place. We chose to come back here because craft and making as well as century old traditons are so interwoven with modern life, and we wanted to explore that further. I can also not express enough how wonderfully warm the people here are, it’s just my head that is in a slightly funny place at the moment. We’re heading off to do a bit of exploring next week, so will get some more photos and stories up soon.
Awww that tough! Being back in a place you have already been to usually feels a bit like ‘home’, I mean a home away from home… or at least something familiar which is always nice and a huge change from going somehwere different every few days! But if your heart is not in it, then you definitely need to do something about it. I am sure you both will find a way to make it enjoyable for BOTH of you! Good luck and keep us posted!!
Thanks Jacqueline. I’m super happy we’re in one place and not traveling around every few days, I think that would be exhaust me. But staying in one place that isn’t home has it’s own challenges and I think I just hadn’t prepared for them. Yep I’m sure we’ll both find a way for it to work. Thanks!
That’s a terrible feeling but I can totally relate. I so hope you sort things out. I hope you manage to get past the feelings and have the incredible opportunities and experiences you were initially hoping for!
Thanks Hannah! I’m feeling positive I will.
Love to read about your experience 🙂 I think it’s hard to admit that a place is not what you thought it was and to adjust to that. So thanks for the post. Great to read about life in a part of the world I’m not too familiar with 🙂
Thanks Jacky. It’s a very interesting place, I just need to start getting stuck in. Spending a bit of time reflecting has really helped though.
I love your honesty. My husband and I lived in Tanzania for 5 months and I often struggled with similar feelings. Some days I felt right at home and never wanted to leave, and others I just wanted to catch a plane out of there. I hope you find your comfort zone there soon!
What will you be doing with your time in Burkina?
That makes me feel so much better hearing that Emily, thank you. My motivation to come here was to work with craftspeople and learn more, mostly about ceramics and printmaking. Today I’ve found someone that I can do some workshops on making and printing with natural inks, so I’m excited about that!
It’s a strange thing when you get to a place for a second look and the picture is different now. I’ve only known a few friends who’ve been there, all with mixed feelings. But it’s great you realized you’re wishing away your time there, so its unlikely you’ll do it for long.Looking forward to hearing the full story!
Hey Lori. Yes I am absolutely determined not to continue wishing my time away, but just go with the sometimes slower pace of life here. I can actually read a bit! Not something I had much time for in busy busy Shanghai.
I hope after some soul searching and assessment you are happy with where you land and what you decide to do. Thanks for your openness and honesty about the not-always sunshine and rainbows parts of travelling. Good luck!
Thanks Emma Jane. I wasn’t sure about writing a post like this, but hoped in doing so I’d figure things out a bit more. It has definitely helped and I’m amazed by the supportive comments. Thank you!
I hope your talk goes well and you are able to feel better about your decision. I think long term travel is really hard regardless of the location.
Thanks Anisa. I think you might be right about long term travel being tough and actually I hadn’t considered that as a factor. We’re also currently trying to figure out where we might live after the summer, which is when our year off officially ends. That’s probably also making things all muddled up in my head!
I guess alot can change in the time you visit a place to when you revisit it again later down the track. You can grow as a person in that time and similar things may not appeal to your anymore, or the place has changed compared to what it once was. I hope you’re able to enjoy it again this time around!
Hey Alyse. I think you’re right that I’ve changed and it was actually a bit silly of me to not consider that before coming here. We also have not started doing the things that I had loved so much last time, like hitting the road and heading into the smaller villages. So I need to do something about that!